Judgement Day

2019 | photograph
In coorporation with photographer Marco de Waal

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April, 2019

''Why am I so fearful of sharing this image with you? Does the fear only exist in my mind? Or is what I've been conjecturing, indeed a reality?

Do know, that this human being is not fearful by nature. These last eight months, I've been performing for three hours on a six meter high ladder, while shivering from being so damn cold... I danced repeatedly until I could no longer lift my arms, while performing in a giant white dress... I traveled back and forth to Enschede for 13 hour workdays to make a film... I sang on the top of my lungs at The Performance Bar... and I build an pretty big installation for a museum, to again also perform in myself...

...And I did not tell about a certain something... because I was afraid... yes, darned worrisome for the projection of a certain stereotype, for your judgement... Afraid of your ideas on how I, from now on ''should behave'', or ''will go and behave''. And with that, that I'd to see fade away my profession, my career that I've been fighting to build, for the last 12 years... for which I've overcome many odds, and which I hold so dear, words fall short to express. That's what a thought, while those two well known pink stripes loomed up, on the stupid plastic test...

Whether my presumptions were right, I may never know completely. Only you know about the first and honest thoughts you had, while glancing at this picture of me...

But what I do know for sure is this: - think again - because I'll for sure, continue to make art, even if it's the last thing I'll ever do.
Making art is not my job; It's my way to exist. It's a calling I'll most likely never understand, because it's far greater than me... it's my oxygen in times when it's hard to breathe. I've only to surrender to it, because I know that it will catch and help me, like it always has, like it's doing now, yet again.
In art, I'm without fear. And I hope this resonates as it comes to something you hold dearly, because that's something I wish for you to have as well!

I'm grateful for what I've received; another dimension towards which today I faithfully am most curious about. A dimension in which I don't have to choose: but am only to continue like I have been doing before... and so, I will.

May you share this faith with me, then I'd love to meet and speak with you, during my upcoming exhibitions: there's a lot of exciting stuff coming up, like the unveiling of my latest work at De Aanschouw, April the 25th in Rotterdam (09:00 p.m.). Will you toast with me on art and life?! ????
Because that would mean a lot to me: to share the upcoming chapters of the lifelong story I'm telling about, with you.

With all my heart, that is bigger than ever before...

Jessica van Deursen ''

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